Leo, Leo, Leo … you’re a lion. You’re king of the jungle, as they say. You really have no need of being quite so pretentious. How pretentious are you? Well, out of all of the musical instruments a person is likely to play, you are most likely to play the harp. Not ironically. And in a real “Actually: I play the harp?” kind of way.
Maybe the reason why you were dubbed “King of the Jungle” was because, wherever you go, you hear strains of “Pomp and Circumstance” but everybody else sees “A Pompous Jackass” making the moniker King of the Jungle somewhat tongue in cheek.
Patronizing at the best of times, when you break up with someone, you’re likely to give them a gift to commemorate the occasion. Unwrapped. That’s okay, though, because your bossy temperament allows you to tell those people not only how they should feel about the breakup, but also how they are to use the gift you just gave them (as if it’s unwrapped status wouldn’t give away how to use, say, a shirt). Good thing you were there to let them know how sleeves work, or they might have worn that shirt as pants. “So, you’re sure you know how this shirt works, right? Buttons are there in the front. Uh-huh. And the collar goes on the outside … that’s right. Okay, then: that’s that. Well, you call me if you have any questions.”
You remember that fable about the Lion and the Mouse and the thorn in the Lion’s paw? That was based on you. We know you knew that! Because you’re vain! But the part that was specifically written about you was the “screaming like a little bitch” part. Also, the “Pleaaasseeee … I’ll do ANYTHING!!!” part. Also the “normally, you’re way too plebeian for me to notice you, but since I need something from you, I’ll be your best friend … for now … until this is all over … then, you know, I’m me and you’re you … so …” part.
What we love most about you, however, is your dogmatic and intolerant side. The side that allows you to become a lawyer and immediately forget about all the crazy things you did before you were a lawyer but pretend like they never happened when other people point them out. Or, conversely, the side that makes you so unflinchingly liberal in your views that anything that even remotely smacks of conservatism is shouted down as anathema and also the Devil.
On or about the twenty-seventh, look for opportunities to catch your own reflection in various objects. Mirrors are fine, but water, spoons, car windows, and the side of the espresso machine at the independent coffee shop that you go to will also work. Why do you go to the independent coffee shop instead of Starbucks? Because Starbucks is soooooo mainstream and this place knows how to actually make a proper espresso doppio. You know, one without too much robusto? You hate that.