Dear Libra,

Shut up.

Your whining has really gotten out of control.

All my love,

The World.

Oh, you hide your whiney, crybaby suck-face self behind platitudes of positive thinking and the law of attraction (or whatever new fangled quest for an identity you’re clinging to this week), but your protestations are only skin deep – much like your belief system.

We do, however, have to give you a break. Your fickleness isn’t entirely your fault. You’re the Scales, baby! You seek balance and harmony and unity! Which is probably why you’re such a gossip; you seek balance by talking shit about EVERYBODY, so nobody feels left out, and your Iago-like nature is spread out evenly amongst your friends.

You’re a romantic and you’re charming. You’re diplomatic, easygoing, and sociable. You also like to let people influence you since your backbone is made out of toothpaste and you’re so afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings that you’ll agree with any ol’ opinion presented to you just to keep the peace. Let’s hope they never call on you to negotiate the release of any hostages, otherwise you’ll be changing religions like whores change underpants and spouting dogma like babies spew pabulum. Oh, wait … to change religions you would have had to commit to one in the first place.

Never mind.

Did we mention that you’re a flirt? Look at you blush! You know you’re a flirt! And so self-indulgent! You love that instant gratification that attention gets you, don’t you, you saucy flirt … But you’re also indecisive and changeable, and you know what that makes you: a tease. As anyone who has gone down that road with you knows all too well, you can drag a Libran to the orgy, but you can’t make him or her jump in the piggy-pile.

Which is weird – you’re easily influenced, you’re gullible … but throw sex in the mix and you become as intractable as an eastern European car: cumbersome, noisy, and just when you think it’s about to go somewhere, it stalls.

If you are currently single, someday soon, Libra, you will find love. If you are already in a relationship, someday soon, you will find love. On or about the 20th, look for your soulmate in every passing casual introduction and acquaintance. That romantic side of yours will keep you guessing as to who in your life could possibly fill the gaping abyss you call a heart and why you haven’t noticed them sooner. If possible, try putting the pieces of your life together in a Nora Ephron-style, walk-down-memory-lane video montage with every person you’ve ever held a passing fancy for, stalk them on Facebook, and send them cryptic, “have you ever thought about” messages.

Watch out for alcohol and drugs on or about the rest of your life. Your tendency to over-simplify things means that you also have an extremely tenuous hold on consequences and you fancy yourself something of an immortal with an indestructible immune system. (How’s that working out for you so far, Captain Ulcer?)

Also, as the month gets closer to Christmas, avoid sharp objects, great heights, and areas with fast-moving traffic.

Just … sayin’.