What Do The Toronto Maple Leafs and Stephen Harper Have In Common?

We were talking, a few of us, the other day about what a fix Canadians find themselves in.  The current political landscape is such that many are left scratching their heads and wondering what happened.  We have no one to blame but ourselves, of course, and I suppose we asked for it – years of criticizing our politics for not being sexy enough.

(Are they sexy enough yet?  Can we go back to the boring kind?)

What we’re facing is a stable-ish economy, a declining crime rate, and a renewed focus on civics not seen in quite awhile.  Sounds peachy, from afar, but all is not as it seems, in the Land of Oz.

The current administration and its subsidiaries (BC Liberals) are manhandling the country from a round peg in a square peg world, into a rhombus (that kinda fits?  but not really?) so that we seem more like a country that other countries would want to do business with.  Pick-of-the-litter countries like China.  You know, countries that, if they were people, would generally be on the top of your list of “People You’d TOTALLY Want To Invite To A Dinner Party.”

Bear in mind, much like my ability to appreciate wine, my knowledge of politics is a hobbyist’s venture.  I am no more astute at determining what the man behind the curtain is doing than at telling a Shiraz from a Syrah.  What I can see is a country that is becoming less recognizable to the one I left six years ago, with every year that goes by.

Canada used to be a country where people were taken care of.  This was largely due to the amount of taxes they paid.  As a western country, a sizable chunk of our income is cleaved every year to pay for the social programs we hold so dear.  What is happening now, however, is a declining amount of services for an increased amount of taxes.

(Wait a minute … this sounds familiar somehow …)

Education is a joke in our country.  The way we treat our education professionals is a travesty.  How we are treating our elderly is as bad, if not worse.  The health system, that for some reason the World holds as laudable, has already begun its death spiral; circling the drain, gurgling into the abyss until we are paying for a service that is no longer provided.

I’d like to think that, if I chose, I could return to my country and show my daughter what it means to be Canadian.  In days gone by, it used to be that it meant that you were basically like a rural American, only more polite, and with better privileges and freedoms.  Nowadays, it’s feeling like we’ve kept the rural part, and the politesse, but we’re regressing into our colonial past, where the monarchy tells us what we can and cannot have, what we can and cannot keep.

(Dammit: where have I heard this before?  This is really bugging me!)

The social contract that we all have agreed to as Canadians is one of slightly higher taxes for slightly better social programs.  As those programs increasingly get cut, and as corporations get increasingly higher benefits (i.e. lower taxes), we are seeing a pattern emerging that resembles what our neighbours to the south have already been through.  Since it worked out so well for them, it’s not surprising that our government is following in their footsteps.  Our justice system’s new mandatory minimums are to be applauded, certainly, since the only way to augment our decreasing crime rate was to be sure to fill our yet-to-be-built prisons with people who will be not-quite-that-guilty.  After all, if the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, then we ought to change the laws so that they do.

And let’s not, for the moment, delve into the “apparent” election fraud that we are so far being expected to endure under a government that claims to be tough on crime.  This is meant to be a blog, not an actual … you know … thing.

(If I were to take my daughter home now and show her what it meant to be a Canadian, the only analogy I’d be left with is:

Being a Canadian is kind of like being a Leafs fan.  Every year you are expected to pay higher prices than any other fans have to pay without really understanding why.)

So what are we left with?

More taxes for fewer services.
A worsening education system.
An increase in the retirement age.  (Sorry – forgot to rail against that one.)
A dismantling of unions.  (Again: sorry for the lack of railing.)
A severe limiting – if not paralysation – of health care for citizens by the government.
A renewed focus on absolute power of the government over its citizens.  (Yeah – I totally didn’t even mention that until now.  Again: not a politiphile.)

Okay, you poli-sci fans out there … What social system have I just described to you?

Not seeing it yet?

Let me add this: the people under control of the government are expected to work in return for living on the land.  They must provide services, often for free, and pay homage, often in the form of coin, to the government.

If we were playing charades right now, I’d have to cheat, because I can’t think of a word that “sounds like” feudalism.

Last election, I could not vote, since I have lived too long away from home.

If you have the right to vote, and you are opposed to what is happening in Canada under our current government, you had best exercise that right the next time it is available.  If you do not, do not be surprised if it is the last time that right is extended to you, because it is the only thing they have left to take away.

Posted in Blog | Tagged canada, canadian, stephen harper, the toronto maple leafs | Leave a comment

Bombing: The Trials and Tribulations of Standup Comedy

Gah.

There is nothing like killing.  Not the murderous kind, where you go to jail, but the comedy kind, where you stand up in front of a microphone and slay the audience with hilarity.  When you have the crowd by the throat and every word that comes out of your mouth pulls the laughter from the pit of their stomachs and expels it out of their faces.

Then there’s the other times.

The times when nothing you say lands.  When jokes you’ve told before, tried, tested, and true jokes, land on deaf ears.  When it feels that you’ve got a very weak cannon inside your throat, launching lead balloons.

Those times suck.

And the depression that grips you after a show like that is confusing because, even if it only happens once every twenty sets, you feel like every set you’ve ever done has gone that way and you are not funny at all and why the fuck are you putting people through your crap??

This, of course, is ridiculous.  People tell you all the time how funny you are.  Certainly one show cannot be indicative of your talent.

But why weren’t they laughing?  Why were they staring at me like I wasn’t wearing any pants?

And it’s high school all over again.  The cool kids staring down the loser.  What are you doing here, fag?

Goddammit.

When the minute you realise you have no control over the crowd and you are commanding no attention finally meet, there is panic.  The nerviest of comics know this feeling and are right to dread it.  Very few can face it and prevail.  It is an acid that eats away at your confidence and melts all of your ego into a puddle of shit and piss, writhing for all to see, sweatily gripping a microphone on a stage.

And then comes the drinking.

Oh, you need the drinking, for it covers all of your feelings.  You can shrug to your comic friends who pat you on the back and give you that look.  ”Fuck ‘em,” you say, sipping on your fifth vodka soda.  ”I was funny.  That was a weird crowd.  The vibe was weird.  Wasn’t the vibe weird?”

And no matter how much they agree with you, there is the unsaid truth in that look.  While they nod and agree with you, behind that look are the words: “They laughed at my shit.  You just bombed.”

And you did.

You bombed.

There is nothing else for it.

You were off.

You weren’t on.

You’ll be on next week, probably.  But tonight, you were definitely off.

And then you feel like you owe everyone an apology.

“Listen: I’m not normally like that.  Normally I’m a lot funnier than that.  I don’t know what happened.  Please come back.  Don’t think that every show is like this.  The microphone smelled funny.  It threw me off.  I’ll be better next week.”

But hiding, deep down, somewhere inside you, is the fear that – maybe you won’t.  Maybe you’ve had a series of flukes.  Maybe you’re not that funny and maybe you’ve run your course.

Then you take a deep breath, relax your shoulders down from your ears, and think about the shows you’ve had that worked.  What made those shows work?  What made last night fail?  If you were off, own it.  Sometimes, it just isn’t your night.  Not even the pros bat a thousand.

Next week will be better.

Next week, you won’t try a set made up of entirely new jokes.

Dummy.

Posted in Blog, Comedy | Tagged bombing, comedy, drinking to forget, lead balloon, stand up, standup | Leave a comment

Your Daily Horoscope: Virgo

Did you think we forgot about you, Virgo?  How could we?  Maybe it’s just that we were taking a page out of your book and butting our noses into everybody else’s business for the past few months, telling them the right way to do things, even when we ourselves haven’t got a clue.

Sound familiar?

Hmmm …

Knock! Knock!  Who’s there?  It’s Virgo!  Do not pardon me while I barge into your living room and tell you what’s wrong with your life, while I ignore the shambles that is my own!  What’s that?  You don’t like my brand of “help”?  Well fine, then!  I’ll just give you the cold shoulder for the rest of the night and make shitty comments to your face whenever you talk, because that’s my brand of “dealing with things.”

Don’t fret, Virgo.  We love your conscientiousness, your organizational skills, and your energetic spirit.  What we detest is your ability to judge others for the drama in their lives while you simultaneously compact yours with plot lines from Telemundo.

Your motto: “If it isn’t just so, then it’s gotta go!”  And stick to that, because if there’s something that everybody loves, it’s a fussy and inflexible extrovert.

On or about the 28th, look for an opportunity to feign pity for the less fortunate while fucking someone’s significant other on the sly and protecting your own interests.  It’s a juggling act, to be sure, but one you’re well-practiced at, Virgo.

Remember that winners never quit, and quitters never win.  And be sure to quote that to friends when they’re down, along with, “A poor workman blames his tools,” and “You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Posted in Blog | Tagged horoscope, somebody should really stop me before i go too far, virgo, Your Daily Horoscope: Virgo | 1 Comment